godsfavourite | Stix IC Inbox

[Grouchy grouchy grouchy:]

I don't want to punch you. It's... I'm bad at this shit, and my first instinct when you do anything is violence.

[Yes he knows this is bad this is why he's so flustered though, he doesn't have an outlet and so he has to feel his emotions.]

[ “Isn’t that why you wanted to beat the shit out of me when you and Johnny found me?” he wants to ask, but ultimately keeps to himself about it. He… recognizes that Kanda is being open. And that he’s literally admitting that most things get translated through a violence filter. ]

Don’t say you’re bad at this. You’re just new to it. I am, too, so it’s gonna be clumsy and bad. But… so long as we both know that, then it should be okay, right? We can tell each other how we’re feeling, and we can go from there.

[ Though, he’s still not convinced Kanda doesn’t want to just punch him all the time. But, as he said before, he’d also wanted to punch Alma so…????

Ugh. He doesn’t know how to make the punchy feeling into affection feeling, though. He barely knows how to do any of this. Shouldn’t he be doing something romantic? Isn’t that what dates are supposed to be about?

He contemplates this as he eats his food. ]

Besides… our kisses have been real nice. So you’re not bad at that.

[Violence is his love language. He likes their stupid wrestling matches. He didn't like stabbing Allen with Mugen but they both know he's going to be hung up on this for the rest of his goddamn life. But he likes the way they tussle and roll around together, whether it's a serious thing or not. He thinks something's wrong with him.

Kanda slowly knocks their shoulders together and continues eating.]

I think you're biased.

[...]

I like them too.

Maybe~! I think I'm allowed to be biased.

[ He leans his head over to press a little kiss against Kanda's cheek while he's here, pulling away with a big smile. ]

Good! Because you're going to be getting heaps more of them. It would be a right shame if you didn't enjoy it.

[It's so hard to be forward... he has no idea how Allen does it. Kanda would say it gives him hives if that weren't a blatant fucking lie.

Anyway, his cheeks are dusted pink again. Thankssss.]

You'd know if I didn't like it.

[Is all he says, still awkward as hell, as he's finishing off the sandwich he ate.]

[ He smiles brightly at him here, reaching over to tuck some of Kanda's hair behind his ear. Food can wait, he wants to admire his dumb as hell boyfriend. ]

You're cute. In general, I mean, but especially when you blush. [ Perhaps because it's a way for Allen to read him, when he's otherwise pretty unreadable? He isn't sure, but... he gently brushes his thumb over Kanda's cheek. ] Sometimes I worry that I've said "I love you" to you too soon. That you might not believe it, considering how we've been before, but I hope you know that I do. That I now always want to let you know that you live in my heart.

[ Sorry, Kanda. You picked this one, which means you gotta deal with him when he's feeling soft and mushy. ]

[Be SO nice to him be SO patient with him he's STUPID he's STRUGGLING— Allen is tucking his hair back behind his ear and brushing over his cheek and he swears to God he's about to go into cardiac arrest. Help. Can his seal heal stupidity because—]

I. [...] Idiot.

[He has big feelings for Allen and all of them come out as insults.]

I'm not stupid. I know. Obviously you spilled your guts to me after that stupid game in the inn.

I don't understand how you can say so much embarrassing shit so easily.

I didn't say you were stupid. [ His free hand is reaching to find Kanda's so he can hold his hand. ] I just know it's not always easy to accept just a... loaded feeling from someone. Like love.

[ It was hard for Allen to. For a long time. It's why he pushed people away like he did. It's why he questioned why he was unable to reciprocate feelings he received from people at all... Even now, he's so certain he's not "loving" as much as he "should". But he wants to. So badly, he wants to. ]

Do you think I'm saying this easily? [ He lifts Kanda's hand here and turns it around to flatten his palm against Allen's chest, where his heart is beating a bit faster than it should be. ] Just because I'm saying what I'm thinking, does not make this easy, Kanda.

[And now they're holding hands. ...and now Allen's moved his hand to rest over his heart oh God help Kanda has no idea what to do now. Instead of doing something substantial, he just sort of curls his fingertips inwards and properly grips Allen's sweater.

Don't mind the smoke coming out of his ears.]

Yes. I don't fucking get it.

[But he's moving closer anyway, still with his hand on Allen's chest.]

I don't even know how to begin doing that. I think I'd shrivel up and die the second I tried.

You don't have to say anything, then. Words have never been your strong suit, I'm aware. [ He chuckles, tilting his head as his soft silvers scan Kanda's face inquisitively. Or... maybe just to invite him closer? Allen's set aside his food for now, anyway. ] Actions have always been easier for you.

So, then, what do you feel like doing?

[If he sort of kind of maybe (definitely) crawls up into Allen's space and kneels in front of him, still clinging to the front of his shirt.

Yeah, he's never been a words person. Words are difficult. Kissing Allen is easy, somehow, despite the fact it's actually also difficult. Saying you love someone is difficult. Everything's goddamn difficult. But pressing their lips together feels right, like he can get his emotions out without having to try to find the words to speak them into tangibility.

This is what he feels like doing, actually. Thanks.]

[ Great! Fantastic!!! Allen is totally fine with this. 1000/10, no notes-

He does gently put a hand over Kanda's trying to ease his grip a little (please don't ruin his new vest, he likes this outfit-), but ultimately just trying to soothe the best he can. He is more than willing to let Kanda kiss him, huffing a little, delighted laugh as their lips meet, though. He closes his eyes and tilts his head just enough that their lips fit together just a little better.

So, their first date is a success, probably- ]

[It's a success! They've eaten like 1/4th of the food and are now kissing. This is probably for the best, because Kanda's mouth is only good for hurling insults and kissing Allen. And he's... really trying not to hurl insults on a date, since it was his fucking idea and he knows better.

It's a fucking war of attrition with him.

He moves his hands instead to Allen's waist and sort of tries to drag the other man closer mid-liplock. If Allen ends up in his lap then oops.]

[ Allen will not complain about ending up in Kanda’s lap, but he is a little surprised by it. There’s a brief hitch of his breath, but it passes by fast as he settles. He does not sit — he doesn’t know if he’s allowed to — so he just hovers over Kanda his his knees on either side of him and craning his neck down to continue kissing him. ]

[It's easier to kiss when they're close like this. Easier still when he can wrap his arms around Allen's waist and cross his wrists behind the smaller man.

...and then nudge him down into a sit, if he can.]

Why are you hovering over me?

[Sit. Sit, this is easier, you asked him what he wanted to do and the answer is swap spit—]

[ Hhhhh ]

I… I just… wasn’t sure if…

[ Allen pauses, then lowers himself so that he is properly sitting in Kanda’s lap. It’s… uh. Weird. Like he’s straddled this man before, but under the context of aggression. Now it’s… embarrassing. ]

…Is this okay?

Edited 2026-03-30 04:43 (UTC)

...

[Okay yeah this is mega embarrassing. Christ. But this was his idea and he likes being this close and it's easier to kiss and they're alone technically, so it's... It's fine? He thinks?

Lord, it's almost like the greenhouse all over again but without the pretense of them mauling each other with dirt and pottery.]

...yeah. This is okay.

[ This is your bed, Kanda. Time to lie in it.

Allen carefully puts his arms around Kanda and decides not to give them a ton of time to reconsider things, pressing their lips together for another kiss. Just ignore how red his face is. He’s fine. It’s fine.

Lord, he might die here, simply because his heart may stop. ]

[He's lying in it. He's embracing Allen and kissing him and keeping his arms firm around Allen's waist too. It just feels right. He doesn't have to say that he loves Allen and that he can't stop thinking about him and that he likes kissing him. Doesn't have to say that he struggles to even think most of the time when Allen's here, that the date was spur of the moment but he's glad he blurted it out anyway, that he's sorry he's a fucking incompetent loser at any of this but he's glad he's gotten the opportunity.

He squeezes his arms around Allen's waist and sighs a bit reverently into his mouth. It's so easy to love Allen, and it's so difficult to love Kanda, and somehow he's managed to win Allen over anyway.

Fuck. He loves him too much.]

[ Allen doesn’t believe in loving too much. Allen doesn’t believe he’s easy to love, either. On the contrary, he has no idea why people care so much about him. Especially when most things that go wrong are Allen’s fault. Kanda should especially hate him.

His best friend — no, the love of his life was tormented by the Noah and brought back to consciousness to ultimately meet an awful end because of Allen. Kanda now blames himself for stabbing Allen, when it was Allen’s fault for standing in his way, and being unable to reach him sooner. Worse yet, Allen could have saved Alma if he had only done better. Tried harder. Picked his words better. He doesn’t know. Even after playing that day in his head over and over again, he doesn’t know how to fix his fuck ups.

Yet here Kanda is. Wanting him, wanting to be with him, wanting to kiss him. It doesn’t make sense to Allen, but he also so selfishly wants to cling to this. He wants this, too. Please don’t leave. Please stay.

He hugs Kanda just a little tighter, opening his mouth to invite Kanda in. To deepen their kiss just a little more. Kanda doesn’t need to say anything. This is perfect as it is. Besides, Kanda’s actions always meant more to Allen, anyway. ]

[He can have two loves of his life, idiot—

Thank fuck for being able to speak via cramming his tongue down Allen's throat. This is easier. One hand rises and tangles into the back of Allen's hair, not quite gripping the strands but not being overly gentle either, his head tilted as he licks his way into Allen's mouth. He tastes like sandwiches of various flavours, but when Kanda thinks back, Allen usually tastes like food. It's so quintessentially Allen that he doesn't mind the aftertaste of mustard and butter, when he thinks he normally would on account of how gross mouths are.

They're chest-to-chest now, and his other hand easily falls to Allen's hip so he doesn't go tumbling off as Kanda chases his lips whenever they part however briefly to remember how to breathe.]

[ Allen would agree, if only he thought he was deserving of it. He’s not even supposed to be here and Kanda and Alma were fated lovers. It’s different.

He doesn’t think about that now, though. Not as Kanda kisses Allen now like his life depends on it. God, his heart feels like it’s about to burst. He feels bad now, suggesting a food date when they were going to passionately kiss like this. He can’t seem to care in the moment, though. He’s just elated to be sharing the moment with Kanda. That Kanda wants to kiss him so passionately…

He knows that Kanda is righteously pissed with God. That he does not consider himself religious. That he does not hold faith. This could fool Allen, as he swears he tastes faith on his tongue like this. ]

[Faith is not given freely with Kanda; only Allen gets hymns and worship whispered between their tied tongues.

Sitting up isn't getting arduous. Not really. Yet Kanda thinks to himself that some things are better done laying down all of a sudden, that they could be far closer if he let himself fall backwards against the blanket and takes Allen with him.

...

Yeah, fuck it. While they're mid-makeout, Kanda tips slowly backwards until Allen is effectively using him as a pillow, still kissing him, still forgetting how to breathe sometimes.]

[ Oh, falling—

Allen easily flops on Kanda, trying to adjust himself to make sure the both of them are more comfortable. He doesn’t want to be digging into Kanda’s ribs, after all. He doesn’t stop kissing Kanda for some time, too deep into the passion of it all to stop… until he finally mutters a bit into it between kisses: ]

W-we should… stop. [ Kiss. ] We’re still outside. …We have food to finish.

INBOX

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

gagtag???

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject